Monday, March 4, 2013

One Day

Hi.

It's been a VERY rough month.

The words just haven't come.

I am beginning to think there absolutely just aren't words to describe what it is like to be completely obedient to HIS calling, toss aside logic, upset a few people, and RUN toward his demands for your family.  To be given little signs; some subtle whispers, some blatant shouts, that lead you to HIS treasure.  

To set your eyes on a child and KNOW that they are the missing peace (I'm not grammatically incorrect.  She is indeed the missing PEACE) to your heart.  A child with striking blue eyes and platinum blonde hair like her sister's.  A child who rarely smiles in pictures, like her sister...

...though her reason for not smiling isn't just because she has heavy, chubby cheeks like her little sister.  

It is because she is mother-less.  She is father-less.  She is sister-less.  

she. is. an. orphan.

Unfortunately, it appears that international adoptions will NOT be happening anytime in the near future. (Click on the colored text for an article to better explain).

  

My heart aches for her, yet holds some hope.  Though I can't go into detail as to how I know, it appears as if a Russian family decided to potentially commit to her in November (the exact same time we did actually.) They have had trouble with their paperwork, but seem to be on track to adopting our sweet girl.  This innocent butterfly who now has the love of 3 mamas.

Pray that this family commits.

Mollie is potentially one of the lucky ones.  There are thousands of special needs children who will continue to be overlooked by a country who holds no value in them. 

(It should be noted that the sweet little boy in the wheel chair has a committed American family.  He has parents and siblings waiting for him here. And they are stuck in the same situation that we are.)

Pray that Russia SEES these children.  Not their diagnosis.

BUT. THE. CHILD.



My butterfly necklace broke last week.  I promised myself I would wear it until Mollie was in my arms.

Throughout this adoption, I have prayed that God would show us the way towards Mollie through Butterflies.  Though I've never shared all of the astounding ways that HE has spoken to us, HE has never failed to answer our prayers. Take this for what you will. 
You may see a broken necklace.  
I see another subtle whisper.  

We will never, EVER forget our little butterfly, our starfish, our Mollie Grace.

I am going to lock Mollie's story up in my heart for now.  

WHEN Russia opens again...we will move faster than a bee to honey.

Now, we need time to heal.

(Please don't mistake my prayers for "signs" as the only way I listen to God.  He has graciously shown up in many ways when I've felt utterly lost and confused.  When I was struggling with hearing from HIM, I got some amazing advice from a dear friend.  "Pray that god slams doors in your face when you aren't on his path". She's a wise one, my dear friend. 



A little bit of healing happened today.

In the mail today was a dress that I had ordered for Mollie this past Christmas.  A dress that was intended for her to wear when she was home with us this summer.  

Ouch.

However, also waiting in the mail was a package from a sweet friend. Another adoptive mama.. A mama who's "littlest little" lived in the exact same orphanage that our Mollie currently lives in.

This mama knows my heart.  Her heart beats in the same rhythm.  
The rhythm of music. 

(If you follow my blog, you'll have noticed that music and lyrics help me when my own words won't suffice. )

In her package:
a darling sparrow bracelet.
A C.D. of powerful music.
 A note of comfort.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you eat; or about your body, what you will wear.  For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.  Consider the ravens (and sparrows):  They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.

And how much more valuable you (and your little one) are than the birds!"
Luke 12: 22-24


The wound. The healing.


I'm sure you are wondering where we go from here. 
Are we giving up on adoption?
Are we choosing another country?
Will we adopt domestically?


The answer is:

I don't know.
(so profound huh?!)

I don't know what lies ahead for us.  

But I do know that we will not stop listening.

And I do know that one day, we will be lead to our son or daughter.

One day.




One day.

Monday, February 4, 2013

listening

I've really been struggling these past couple weeks.

I know we will wait forever to adopt our sweet girl.

BUT, how long does that really mean?

Questions fill my brain:
Are we supposed to wait this year?
Wait 5 years?
Pray that another able family adopts her?
Re-do our home study and uscis paperwork later on in life?
Are we committed to only adopting Mollie?
Are we open to adopting another child in the meantime?
Are we supposed to pick another country?
Is it fair to Sophie to spend all my time worrying about this adoption?
Is it fair to Mollie for us to consider another orphan?
Is it fair to ignore the millions of other orphans desperately needing a family?

what. do. we. do?!?!

I've fasted.

I've researched.

I've prayed.

I've cried.

But what I haven't done....is listen.

Listen for God's subtle voice.

Listen for those whispered promises.

Listen for HIS hopes for our family. not my own.

This morning I found out that another child I had inquired about was matched with another family.

(PRAISE GOD)

then, 100 dollars was donated into Mollie's adoption fund.


Ok God. I'll stop freaking out.

I'll start listening.

BUT:
my husband tells me that sometimes I only hear what I want to hear, and that often I don't listen very well. 


So....thanks for shouting at me this morning.
I need that every now and then.



Lord, help me WAIT for you. 

Let's run this race against time together.

I will wait, 
I will wait for you.





Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Kings and Queens

We continue to wait.
and wait.
and wait.
and wait.

It feels like years have gone by in only this one month.


We continue to fear.
and fear. 
and fear.
and fear.

It feels so unfair for these poor littles to continue to remain alone.


We continue to pray.
and pray.
and pray.
and pray.

It feels like God will not let us give up. I'm grateful.


We continue to want.
and want.
and want.
and want.

It feels like my heart could burst with the wanting. I WANT Mollie HOME.




In between the waiting, fearing, praying and wanting....we are living.


Some snippets of our daily life lately.


Someone is 10 months old now!

and moving ALL over the place!

Like, ALL over the place!

Can you spot the baby?!

Maybe if we hide, she won't find us!

Future Dentist?!

Just getting my read on Mom. No big deal.




And because this cold weather is finally getting to me. Can we please go back in time for just a day? (or maybe a week? Yes. A week would be nice!)







Monday, January 14, 2013

Won't give up


In the midst of the adoption turmoil, such a BEAUTIFUL thing happened yesterday.
(Here in our world, some selfless folks have been donating money to our adoption fund. To you anonymous few...A HUGE thank you!!)

Across the globe-
Russia's people stood up for their children.
They banded together and were 20,000 strong.
The message was clear.

It is NOT ok to use orphans as pawns.

It is important that you realize how amazing this protest was.
They don't have the same freedoms that we do here in the United States.
They risk they took was great.
But the reward will be greater.

I'm at a loss for words.
So. What better than a song :)



What do those lyrics LOOK like?

They look like THIS.


I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that i can make.


Our differences they do a lot to teach us how 
to use the tools and gifts we got, 


yeah, 
we got a lot at stake.


And in the end your still my friend 
at least we did intend for us to work.


we didn't break, we didn't burn


We had to learn how to bend
without the world caving in.



I had to learn what I got.



and what i'm not.


and who I am.









Thursday, January 10, 2013

Monday, January 7, 2013

anxious

anx·ious  

/ˈaNG(k)SHəs/
Adjective
  1. Experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.


I've always been a pretty care-free person.  I'm not much of a planner.  I like to just live life, and let whatever happens....eh, happen.

Hubby calls to inform me that we have guests coming for dinner that I completely forgot about....Leftovers as a main course! 
Eh. It happens!

While checking out at Walmart the baby has a meltdown the likes of which the Spartans (ancient greeks or any run of the mill high school football team) would retreat from....I continue to chat up the clerk whilst simultaneously sticking things into said baby's mouth until something mutes her....Car Keys for the win! 
Eh. It happens!

Dog jumps onto brand new WHITE down comforter with muddy (please-God-let-that-not-be-poop) paws 20 minutes before the in-laws are coming to visit....Blue Dawn dish soap and baking soda to the rescue! 
Eh. It happens!

Russia closes its doors to Americans right when we have jumped aboard the adoption train....

AHHHHH. how. does. this. happen?!


WORRY 
Will they ever open their doors again?

UNEASE
 How will these innocent children continue to cope as orphans?

NERVOUSNESS 
Will Mollie Grace ever get to blow candles out on her birthday?
Will someone sing her a lullaby when she wakes from a nightmare?
Will she get to experience the joy of splashing around in a bath?
Will someone show her how to bake chocolate chip cookies?
Will she get to stand outside at night and look for shooting stars?

Will we ever get to bring her home?


I am a mess of anxiousness.
I can't sleep.
The tears fall at unexpected moments.
My heart races at every squeal or whimper from Sophie.
I can't stop refreshing my google search, "Putin + adoption ban".


At this turn of a new year, while the world is out making resolutions;
I'm finding comfort in running 3 miles then eating cookie dough.
Cleaning then playing in a "toy-splosion" with Sophie.
Ridding my life of T.V, but trying to catch up on Downton Abbey episodes on Hulu.
Digging deeper into my bible, then an hour later digging deep into US Weekly.
 Saving money then buying a new lamp at Hobby Lobby (hello 50% off!).
Drinking a glass of water then running to McDonald's for a large Diet Dr. Pepper.
(I'm sorry Hubby!)

But mostly....I'm finding comfort knowing that God is moving and using the hearts of Russian citizens, Orthodox Priests, members of Parliament, Orphanage workers and most importantly.... fellow mamas like me.  He is keeping our eyes on the most important: the littles.




He does not call the equipped.  
He equips the called.  
I think I've found my New Years Mantra.
I'm just waiting for it to cure the anxiousness.





Disclaimer: If you come to our house for a dinner date, I promise I won't serve you leftovers.


Just a little taste of the happiness mixed into said anxiousness:

sweet little hair bows

getting to know my cousins

Patriotic Santa

eating by myself

sweet friends

Rosetta Stone in Russian...

because mama is 29...again. and again.

Mollie. You don't know what you're in for!


Thursday, January 3, 2013

flutter-bys


You know those little things that you pray for....those little signs that you ask for.... because sometimes blind faith is SO HARD? Well, butterflies have been my sign for Mollie since this summer. 

God has shown up via butterflies on a few different occasions. Times when I desperately needed to know which direction to follow.

I have only told a handful of people about this.


Well, when Putin officially signed the ban last week....I was at such a complete loss. All I could pray was that God would show me through butterflies that Mollie truly was intended for our family. Be that now, or be that later, but that she IS our daughter. 


I've had a really rough few days and have felt quite lost and defeated.

Then, a message earlier today from a friend. 

A friend who DOESN'T KNOW my secret prayers to God.


Thank you Lord. 

You rock.